The Late Night, Double Feature, Picture Show
by petalene
Summary: Kurt and Blaine go see the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Hilarity ensues.  And if Blaine can survive having no idea what is going on, getting dragged on stage and pelted with toast he may be able to find the courage to ask Kurt out.
1. Chapter 1

This is the first fanfic I have posted and this is just for fun. I went to Rocky for years as an audience member and I was on two different casts. I do not own Glee or the Rocky Horror Picture Show. If you recognize it from somewhere else, it isn't mine. If you saw any of this at a Rocky show, I either saw something similar or I am not the only one who thinks it would be funny. Songs used are from the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Katy Perry's Peacock. Title is from RHPS. Takes place in season two before the transfer to Dalton.

Warnings-swearing and thinking/talking about sex, but no actual sex. Rated M to be on the safe side.

Thank you to skyblue_reverie for betaing it. I couldn't have done this without you

The Late Night Double Feature Picture Show

How do I get myself into these situations? I had been thinking with my dick when Kurt asked me about going to see Rocky Horror. I liked him since the first moment I saw him and was head over heels during our first conversation. "Sure I've always wanted to see Rocky Horror in the theater." (Lie - it sounded stupid.) "Of course I've seen the DVD." (Lie - I fell asleep five minuets in because I was bored. And coming down with a cold. But mostly bored.) "I heard all about how crazy it is from my cousin Anna." (And another lie - I tuned out her rambling because it sounded stupid and boring.) "I want to dress up, but I don't have a costume." (Half a lie - I don't have a costume, but I don't want to dress up to see a movie. Except Harry Potter.) "OK, I'll wear what ever you want me to." (And I will.)

So after telling three and a half lies I now find myself staring at Kurt's ass while he bent over trying to get something from the trunk of his car. When I met him at his house so we could drive over together, I had no idea he'd look like he was going to a bondage club under his coat. He was wearing the tightest black skinny jeans I have ever seen. He had on a fishnet shirt with a corset over it. A corset. With buckles. Black nail polish. Make-up. Spiky hair. And a bondage studded collar. His outfit was finished off with knee high boots. With more buckles. And heels. Low heels. But still heels. When he had taken off his coat he had told me he had the final piece to complete his look in his bag.

"Oh crap," came Kurt's slightly muffled voice. "It's stuck."

And then he leaned in further to pull it out.

Kill me.

I was going to embarrass myself when Kurt realized I was staring at his ass. He was just a friend, even if I wanted more. I wouldn't be able to stand it if he realized what a pervert I'd become and he didn't want me around him ever again. He practically crawled in the trunk and muttered something about the strap when he triumphantly yelled, "Ha!" and pulled out a black bag. After putting on a leather wrist cuff, he struck a pose and smiled. "What do you think of my outfit?"

Kill me now.

He looked hot. He looked like sex. I wanted to drag him some place secluded and see how far I could stick my tongue down his throat.

"Don't you like it?" His face fell. "I wanted to dress as Riff but the wig wrecks my hair. I look silly. I brought something else. Give me a minuet. I'll change," Kurt babbled.

"No!" I said quickly, "You look amazing." And he did. I wanted to stare at him in that outfit even if I was going to actually die of shame at some point, or worse, get caught ogling his ass.

"Are you just saying that?" Kurt demanded, crossing his arms. I forgot how insecure he can be sometimes.

"No. You look great. You look perfect." Perfectly indecent, but Kurt was rocking the look.

"OK, Blaine. Let's get you ready. Off with the jacket." The tee Kurt let me borrow had the Rocky Horror lips on the front and the back said 'Enter At Your Own Risk!'

Kurt was staring at me with a look I couldn't quite decipher. "What?" It was starting to make me feel self conscious. I felt very underdressed in my dark jeans and a tee shirt.

"Your outfit's kind of plain," Kurt said. "How about some makeup?"

"I trust you." He told me to close my eyes. I felt his hand on the side of my face and something brushing my lids and lashes. I shivered.

"You okay, Blaine?"

"Just cold," I fibbed. He sprayed something in my hair.

"Blaine, you look fabulous. Time for some color."

He had a tube of bright red lipstick and he used it to draw on my face. "Perfect!" Kurt declared. He held up a mirror and I saw a V on each of my cheeks and purple glitter in my hair. "Now," Kurt said with a smirk, "everyone will know you're a virgin."

"What?" I sputtered. I mean, I was a virgin, but I have never told Kurt that. I can assume he is based on what he's told me, but why would I want to advertise it?

"A Rocky virgin, Blaine. Anyone who hasn't seen the movie before gets Vs on their face so everyone knows it's your first time." Kurt was looking at me with a slightly puzzled expression.

"Oh, right," I said trying to make it sound like I knew what he was talking about. "Are we ready to go in?"

"Just about," Kurt said as he put the lipstick in a black bag and slung the strap over his shoulder. "I have toast, cards, lighters, squirt guns, toilet paper, and bubbles for both of us. Newspapers, too, because I am not getting my hair wet. Stacey is getting us in for free, so we are all set."

Huh. I couldn't even begin to figure out why we would need all that stuff, although Anna had told me the audience throws stuff. And the comment about newspaper made no sense. Maybe I could read it if the movie is as boring as the first five minuets was last time I tried to watch it.

Kurt grabbed my hand and we walked over to the theater. His skin was so soft. I hoped we wouldn't need to let go, but Kurt did so he could knock on an unmarked door. It opened and a blond girl stood there in a corset, hot pants, knee high boots and a black choker with a gold lightening bolt dangling from the center. I froze. Even with her hair in a pony tail and lots of dark make-up, I recognized her. Fuck. My. Life.

"Blaine!" she squealed. She jumped up wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. She pressed her lips up against my mouth and held them there. It probably lasted a moment, but it felt like an eternity. I glanced over at Kurt. He looked understandably surprised to see a girl kissing me.

I yanked my head back. "Holy shit, Blaine," she said, "I haven't seen you in forever."

"What the actual fuck, Anna? Get off me!" I yelled as I tried to pry her away. "You're practically naked."

"And I look awesome!" she said winking at me. "You have been holding out on me, Blaine. I had no idea you were going to be here."

"You told me you quit months ago," I protested.

"I told my dad I quit. I didn't actually quit." She jumped down and turned to Kurt. "Oh my god, Kurt, I love your outfit." She grabbed Kurt's hand and twirled him around so she could inspect the whole thing. "I take it you added Blaine's guy liner?" He nodded. "Nice touch." Yep, I thought, it had been very nice touching when Kurt had applied the makeup.

I glared at Anna. "What is up with the kissing?"

"Oh, come on Blaine. I love you dearly but, you know, not enough to use tongue." I was going to kill her. "Lighten up, cuz. You are no fun since you started at Dalton."

"So," Kurt said after a moment's pause, "you two are related?"

"Yes," Anna said at the same time as I said, "Very distant cousins."

"So why does Blaine call you Anna?" Kurt asked. "I thought your name was Stacey."

She sighed. "My name is Anastasia-which I hate. So I usually go by Anna. I was worried about my parents finding out when I auditioned so I said my name was Stacey and at Rocky, it stuck. Boring. What I want to know is what did Kurt say to you to get you here?"

"Kurt said he was going and it sounded like fun. So here we are. Boring," I said mimicking her tone. Anna stared at me with her eyebrows raised. She knew I thought Rocky was both boring and stupid. She glanced at Kurt and then at me. I could tell the moment she realized I was interested in Kurt. She smiled like a shark that smelled blood in the water. I gave her a pleading look and her expression softened. She would tease me mercilessly, but she wouldn't do it in front of Kurt. I hope. Maybe I wouldn't have to kill her after all.

"Well, it's freezing out here and I need to finish getting ready, so come on you two," she tucked her arm in mine, "let's go get you some seats."

We walked through the backstage area that had several people in various states of undress. Everyone was chatting while they got into costumes and make-up. Anna looked around. "Jack, just the MC I've been looking for. This is my cousin, Blaine. He's also a friend of Kurt's. He wants to get the full experience. I am fully prepared to bribe you so you'll pick him for virgin sacrifice.

"Stacey, I don't think I even want to know what you consider an appropriate bribe. I will let you help pick who goes on stage."

Stacey smiled. "Thank you! Come on boys."

She dragged us through the back room to the theater. "Here you go," she said pointing to the right aisle seats in the third row, "Sit here. Blaine, you're on the end. Oh, you are going onstage for virgin sacrifices so do whatever you need to to win. I want you playing Betty. Good luck." Anna practically skipped back to the dressing room.

I turned to Kurt. "What is a virgin sacrifice? And who is Betty?"

"Virgin sacrifice is when several people who have never seen the movie in the theater get dragged up on stage to do something embarrassing - usually fake an orgasm - and whoever the audience decides did best gets to play Betty Munroe in the very short wedding scene. There's a wedding dress and veil to wear and the other actors will make sure you throw the bouquet at the right time. It's easy."

"Easy, huh?" I questioned. "Which is? Faking an orgasm? Or playing Betty?" I'm a teenage guy. Why would I need to fake an orgasm?

"Both. I can hit a high f. I can wear a Lady Gaga costume to school for a week. And my glee club can put together and preform a winning sectionals routine in under an hour. I'm going to be a Broadway star. I can certainly moan convincingly in between saying things like 'fuck me harder' and, despite having to wear that horribly tacky wedding dress, I can throw flowers at the same time as the girl on the screen."

I could all too easily imagine him moaning. Guh. Kurt yelling, "Fuck me harder."

I was saved from embarrassing myself by the audience trickling in as loud music started playing. I had never seen such an eclectic mix of clothing. There were girls and boys in lingerie, lots of black, and tight skimpy clothing. I also assumed some of the crazier outfits were costumes from the movie. After a few minuets, they started playing 'Closer' and about half the audience went to the front to dance.

"Come on, Blaine," Kurt said as he grabbed my hand. "Dance with me?" He pulled me into the middle of the crowd. Kurt is an amazing dancer. So sexy. He was swiveling his hips in a positively obscene manner. He sang along, shouting with everyone else.

We danced to a few more songs. When the MC took the stage, he yelled, "Welcome to the Rocky Horror Picture Show! I am Jack, your MC." We scrambled back to our seats. He went over some rules-no throwing stuff at the cast or screen because the cast is cheap and the screen's expensive. Everyone must Time Warp in the aisles. Bic lighters only-because they go out if you pass out. Bubbles for the wedding scene. "So let's get this party started. Attitude check!"

Most of the audience stood up, flipped him off and screamed "Fuck you!"

The second time the MC yelled it, Kurt took my hand, got me on my feet and we yelled "Fuck you."

After a few more times, Jack yelled, "Hormone check!"

Kurt and the rest of the audience screamed, "Fuck me!"

Kill me now.

And this was followed by, "Priority check!"

"Fuck me first!"

Seriously. Kill me.

"OK," said Jack. "Now let's bring out the cast. We have some trannies!" A group of people came running down the aisles. They kind of looked like clowns in tuxes. He continued calling out the names of the other characters. Eddie appeared to be a biker. Rocky had on the gold shorts. Columbia wore lots of sequins. Magenta was dressed like a maid and Riffraff had on a sort of suit. The criminologist also had on a suit, as did Brad, and Janet had on a pink dress. Anna was introduced as Trixie.

"And now for your Frank-N-Furter. Lets hear it for Eric, your Frankie!" The spot light shown on a curtain off to the left side of the stage. Anna stood on one side and another girl, who was dressed identically to her, was on the other. And Katy Perry's Peacock began playing.

_I wanna see your peacock cock cock_

_Your peacock cock_

_Your peacock cock cock _

_Your peacock _

_I wanna see your peacock cock cock _

_Your peacock cock _

_Come on baby, let me see _

_What you hiding underneath_

Frankie came bursting out between the curtains. He was decked out in black lingerie - corset, fishnets, gloves, garter belt, and very high heels. He sang along with the song as he and the girls danced over to Rocky. The two girls kept rubbing their hands all over Rocky while singing about how they wanted to see his peacock. The girls and Frankie came down the steps so they could have fun with the audience. They were kissing people on the cheeks and making suggestive gestures to match with the lyrics. Frankie sat on my lap and leaned back so he could address Kurt. "You look hot, Hummel. You too, Hummel's friend."

"Don't even think about it, Eric. He's with me and he's Stacey's cousin." Unf. Protective Kurt is hot.

"Well then," Frankie said as he got up, "have fun. If you change your mind, come find me." He winked at me. I think. Maybe he winked at Kurt? I don't know.

Kurt leaned over and said in my ear. "He's an amazing Frank, but will fuck anything with a pulse and he is an inconsiderate dick who doesn't care if you enjoy it as long as he does. I would stay away unless you want quick sex with someone who won't care what your name is three seconds after it's over. Or during, for that matter."

"And you know this because...?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know, but I couldn't help asking.

"I hear stories. Stacey warned me away when I first started hanging out with the cast. He's not my type and I am not interested in having sex with an asshole."

I started snickering and I couldn't stop. "Really? No sex with assholes? You do know how gay sex usually works, right? I can get you a brochure or send you to some websites."

I watched as Kurt replayed what he'd said. He shoved me with his free hand. "You know what I mean." I could see the blush spreading across his cheeks. Kurt was so adorable. I wanted to kiss him and see if the blush would get more intense. Instead, I squeezed his hand.

Frankie and the girls were back on stage singing near Rocky. Frankie ran his finger down Rocky's stomach to the top of the gold briefs. He slid his finger into the waistband and pulled it out so he and the girls could look.

_Oh my god no exaggeration _

_Boy all this time was worth the waiting _

_I just shed a tear I am so unprepared_

_The two girls were fanning themselves while they kept trying to molest Rocky._

_You've got the finest architecture _

_End of the rainbow looking treasure _

_Such a sight to see _

_And it's all for me_

And me!" yelled Janet. Frank flipped her off.

At the very end of the song the two girls yanked his briefs down to reveal teal underwear with a picture of a peacock on it. There were cheers and shouts of, "Take it all off!"

"Let's hear it for the cast," Jack said. "They are going to finish getting ready and now we need...some virgins." There was cheering at this announcement. "Go get us a few." Stacey made a beeline for me.

"Blaine. On stage." I sighed. I really don't want to fake an orgasm on stage, especially in front of Kurt. But I walked to the stage anyway, and stood there with two other boys who had Vs drawn on their faces. We were joined by two girls.

"OK everyone what happens now?"

"Fake an orgasm!" came the roar from the audience.

Jack went over the instructions quickly, who ever gets the most cheers wins. Losers get booed off stage. And then he handed Anna the mike. "I'm going to demonstrate," she said before moaning unenthusiastically into the microphone. She tapped her foot. She pretended to look at a watch. She made one more brief, almost sarcastic sounding moan and then said, "Get off." Jack glared at her. "What? I wouldn't need to fake if I was enjoying it." This statement was met with loud applause.

Jack handed the mike to the boy closest to him. He was trying, but he mostly sounded like he'd been kicked in the nuts. He got booed. The girl who went second did good, based on the audience reaction and she got to stay on stage. The second girl started laughing so hard she couldn't do it. Her face was bright red when she went back to her seat. The other boy was convincing. Lots of applause for him.

Then it was my turn. I took a deep steadying breath and began to moan into the microphone. I closed my eyes. I imagined kissing Kurt. "Oh yeah, baby, just like that." Pulling him up against me. I moaned again. Grinding up against him. "Mmmmm. Harder." Kurt sliding his hand down to my waist to pull me closer. I was breathing heavy into the mike. Kurt reaching his hands under my shirt.

I was really getting into it when I felt something brush my hip and my eyes snapped open. Anna was kneeling next to me and pretending to jerk me off. "What the fuck!" I yelled. "I'm supposed to fake an orgasm, not have one." I handed her the mike and started to storm off the stage. Jack grabbed my wrist to stop me. I realized the audience was roaring with laughter. I was going to kill Anna. I was actually going to kill her.

"Not so fast. We need a vote." Jack held his hand over the head of each virgin still on stage and then declared me the winner. He asked Kurt to come help me get ready and sent us towards the back stage changing area.

"You were amazing," Kurt said as he came up behind me with a white dress.

"I cant believe I did that." That was when I started to freak out. "Oh my god, I can't believe I did that." I sat down in a nearby chair and put my head in my hands. "What the fuck was Anna thinking? I don't think I've ever been this mortified in my life."

"Hey, it's OK." Kurt knelt down in fount of me and gently grabbed my hands away. "She probably just thought it would be funny. The cast members sometimes do stuff like that. And it could have been worse. She pretended she was blowing me when I went on stage."

I was going to die. I could visualize it so clearly. With me on my knees, instead of Anna. "What did you do?"

"Um. Well?...I wanted to win. So I think I said something dignified like 'Take it bitch' and started thrusting my hips. She thought that was hysterical. She later warned me about Eric and we've been friendly ever since. So now for the easy part. Let's get you dressed so we can get married."

My jaw hit the floor. "What?" I managed to squeak.

"I'm playing Ralph. We are getting married in about five minuets. And you, my blushing bride, are not dressed for the occasion. Take your shirt off. We don't want the black showing through. But you can leave the pants on."

I stripped off the tee shirt. Kurt helped me into the dress, handed me a bouquet, and placed a veil on my head. He pulled out an enormous ring, I assume it was cubic zirconium, and slid it on to my left hand ring finger.

"Beautiful," he declared. He reached down to hold my hand and thread his fingers through mine. He led us over to the side of the stage but kept us in the back behind the cast. "They're going to roll the print in a minuet," Kurt said quietly. "You ready?"

I shrugged. "I don't have to do much, right?"

"Janet or I will tell you what to do. You'll be fine."

The music started and the audience was chanting "Lips! Lips! Lips!" The cast walked across the stage one at a time when the name of their character showed on the screen. Kurt sang along, quietly, adding comments. I laughed at some of the funnier ones. Brad and Janet came around the back of the screen to join us and the trannies grouped up behind them. I peeked out onto the stage. Grrrr! Anna was taking off her clothes.

"What is Anna doing?" I hissed.

"Stripping," Kurt replied in a voice that implied it should be obvious. "She's Trixie. You know. The stripper." He looked perplexed. "What exactly did she tell you goes on here?"

"Clearly not enough."

Wedding music started as the credits faded out. Anna ran off the other side of the stage, waving and wearing nothing but skimpy panties. Thank god I didn't have so see Anna mostly naked from the front. Kurt and I walked onto a platform with the rest of the group trailing behind us. "You stand here," he said. "I'm here. And-big smile." He presses his lips to my cheek and kept them there. It was magical. Kurt was kissing me while bubbles floated everywhere. It was worth it, I decided. Standing on stage and faking an orgasm was worth it for this moment.

Then the cast was milling around and Kurt went to the front of the stage to talk to Brad. Janet pretended to be admiring my ring. "Turn around and get ready to throw the bouquet, she said. Throw it to me when she does on the screen."

My aim must have been good because Janet was jumping up and down, waving the flowers around and yelling 'I got it' when Kurt came back over to me. "Now I carry you off stage so we can start out honeymoon." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Hell no. You cant carry me. You weigh twelve pounds," I protested.

"I was a Cheerio, Blaine, I can carry you off the stage." Shit, Kurt sounds annoyed, but I didn't want him to hurt himself.

I grabbed him by he waist and threw him over my shoulder in a fireman's carry. With one arm wrapped around his middle, I started striding off the stage.

"Put me down," he yelled. I could see him kicking his feet and I could feel him pretending to pound his fists on my back, although he wasn't actually hitting me. "If you make my face all red, I will kick your ass, Anderson. I was a football player and I can do it," he shouted as he kept struggling.

"Stop squirming. I don't want to drop you." I reached over with my free hand and slapped his butt. "You can kick my ass later, but please stop wiggling."

When we were off stage, I carefully set him down. He held on to me for a moment and I wanted to kiss him so badly. I was half waiting for him to slap me for manhandling him, but instead, he started laughing. "I cannot believe you did that. You are lucky I don't want to wreck my boots or I would. Kick. Your. Ass. We've been married five minuets and your already pushing me around. Jeesh."

Kurt was smiling so I figured I wasn't in too much trouble. He helped me out of the dress and veil. We put the ring back and I put Kurt's shirt back on. "Come on wife," he said, "let's go watch the movie."

"Why am I the girl?" I asked.

"I'm taller," he said. Kurt has no idea what a turn on that is for me that he's taller. "Besides, you wore the dress."

We went back to our seats. The criminologist was rambling on about something or other and there were comments being shouted. I didn't understand all of them, but most of the ones I could hear clearly were funny. When the movie cut to Brad and Janet sitting in a car and driving in the rain, Kurt reached for my hand and got me to wave my arms back and forth in time with the windshield wipers on the screen and yelling "Asshole!" when they pointed at Brad and "Slut!" when they pointed at Janet.

"This is so much fun," I told Kurt. And it was. Holding hands and shouting profanities, even if I wasn't doing much shouting. He handed me a squirt gun and a lighter while the couple got out of the car. Kurt put a newspaper over his head when Janet did and he used it to shield his hair. We sprayed water at the people around us. With a squeeze of my hand, he let me know when to use the lighter and when to put it out. Despite all the noise, I could hear Kurt's beautiful voice singing along with Riffraff's solo.

When music started up again, the audience crowded into the aisles for The Time Warp. Kurt stood behind me, so I could see better. The criminologist gave instructions on how to do it and we danced along. When we go to the line about, "Put you hands on your hips," Kurt yelled "Or someone else's," and placed his hands on my hips. And he began moving them around so I was doing it right. At the end of the song, we all lay down on the floor. That was the weirdest part. Kurt Hummel laying on the floor of a movie theater in his sexy sexy clothes.

We got up and back in our seats. There was more stuff being yelled. I couldn't figure out what was going on plot wise, but that was okay. Frank-N-Furter made his entrance shortly after amidst loud cheering. I began to appreciate how much effort the cast put into the production. The costumes were remarkably like the ones in the movie. It had to be difficult acting on a stage with the print behind you making it obvious if you weren't doing what you were supposed to do. I didn't notice any major discrepancies between the movie and the cast and there were very few minor ones.

Rocky was born? Created? Suddenly showed up? I was going to have to ask Kurt what happened after it was over. This movie was so confusing. I know I sort of missed the very beginning while changing out of the wedding dress, but I didn't think it would help to have seen the whole thing. There were comments that got shouted several times in a row. Kurt squeezed my hand for the first one and each time we were supposed to say it again. I would come back here with Kurt just for all the handholding.

Eddie came roaring onto the stage and Kurt dragged me back into the aisle. This dance was much harder to follow than The Time Warp, and it mostly involved me bumping into Kurt and the person next to me, but it was fun. After lining up on either side of the aisle, we were to tap the person next to us on the thighs twice, clap twice, and repeat on the other side. Then we were supposed to switch with little warning thus the bumping into each other. I almost wished I had come here when Anna first started suggested it. Although I couldn't imagine it being this being nearly as fun without Kurt.

Then Kurt started doing a complicated dance step. I tried to follow it. He pushed me into my seat, sat on my lap and scooted his feet out of the way right before Eddie chased the trannies up the aisle. "I didn't want to get trampled," he said as he wrapped his arms around my neck. "Having fun?"

"Yeah, I am," I said. "I have no idea what's going on in the movie."

"No one does," Kurt admitted.

The movie slowed down drastically after Frankie and Rocky went off to their bedroom. Kurt stayed on my lap with his arms around my neck. He really did weigh about twelve pounds. We were going to need to talk. I couldn't going back to not holding him after this. Everything felt right with him in my arms, pressed against my chest. I needed to ask him out so I could hug him and hold his hand whenever I wanted.

We sat like that, watching the movie, while Kurt periodically yelled comments. The crew had set a sheet up in front of the actors for the part in the bedroom and had a spotlight behind the actors so you could only see their shadows. On the screen Frank was seducing Janet. On stage it was reversed. Frank kept trying to get away. Janet hauled him back, threw him down and got on top of him. It switched to Brad's bedroom. In the movie, Brad was getting blown. Behind the sheet, shadow Brad was on his hands and knees getting fisted.

When Dr. Scott showed up outside the castle, Kurt got his bag and handed me several rolls of toilet paper. "Throw it when Dr Scott crashes through the wall. Toss away from the screen. Like this." He showed me how to throw it so it would unravel as it sailed across the theater.

"Great Scott!" There was toilet paper being thrown everywhere. Kurt had brought a dozen rolls, so it took a while to run out. He then got off my lap to grab some near us that had landed on the floor. When all the toilet paper rolls were down to the cardboard centers, he sat back down on my lap and put his feet in what had been his seat.

"You're comfortable." He leaned his head on top of mine.

"So are you." I hugged him to me. More confusion and songs from the movie. Most of the songs so far were kind of catchy. I might need to watch this on DVD after all, so I can understand the lyrics. Kurt handed me a bag that held an entire loaf of toasted bread and pulled another one out for himself. They were having dinner - the live cast sitting around a lumpy red table cloth. Frankie lifted his glass and said, "A toast!"

Toast flew all over the theater. Kurt and I were laughing as we tried to see if we could toss some up onto the balcony. Kurt got three pieces over the rail. I felt good getting one up onto the second level.

We sat back down shortly before the next song started. When it was over, Frank yanked the cloth off the "table." Eddie, who had been hiding underneath, stood up drooling blood, flopped onto the stage, and crawled off making zombie moans.

"Were they eating Eddie?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Mrs. Lovette made Meatloaf instead of meat pies?" He started quietly singing something from Sweeney Todd, but sang Meatloaf instead of meat pies.

"You are disgusting, Kurt."

"But you love me anyway," Kurt said and he tensed up. I could feel him squirming and waiting for me to freak out. At least that's what I would probably want to do if the situation was reversed.

"Yes I do." I held on to him trying to show just how much I care about him with the hug. Kurt slowly relaxed. As he did, he shifted a little and I realized he could probably feel how much I love him because he was on my half hard dick. If he tried to leave now, I wouldn't stop him. Instead, he snuggled closer.

After we yelled, "I want a picnic I want an orgy," several times, the narrator announced there would be no picnic. Everyone cheered and chanted "Orgy!" There was a floor show involving the main characters in lingerie - corsets, panties, garter belts, fishnets, boas, the works - followed by an orgy in the pool.

Kurt started to get off my lap. "Please stay, Kurt."

"Nope. Time for slow dancing," he said while grabbing a deck of playing cards.

"Why?" I asked. No one on the screen was dancing, although most of the audience had coupled up and were in the aisles.

"No clue, but I'm leading." He placed his hands on my waist while I put mine on his shoulders. Kurt pulled me closer. We threw the entire deck up in the air while Frankie sang, "Cards for sorrow. Cards for pain." I could see black spots all over the movie as the cards rained down and blocked the light from the print.

Kurt sang along with Frank, "Cuz I've seen" and leaned back a little to yell, "This movie too many fucking times." I laughed and he pulled me closer. He was going to accept when I asked him out on a date. He just had to. The song ended so we headed back to our seats. I didn't give Kurt a chance to sit in his. I sat down and pulled him onto my lap.

Riffraff threatened to shoot someone and said, "Say goodbye to all of this. And hello to oblivion."

One person yelled loud and clear, "Hello my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Stop saying that!" shouted Kurt and several others.

"Hello, my name is Darth Vader. I am your father. Prepare to die."

"Stop saying that!"

"Hello, my name is Oedipus. I fucked my mother. I killed my father. I want to die."

"Stop saying that!"

I sat there, hugging Kurt with my eyes closed. I didn't care anymore about what was happening with the movie or the cast. There was a little more shouting of comments from Kurt, a final song and then the lights were coming up in the theater. I opened my eyes to the rolling credits. The theater was a mess. Between the toilet paper, cards and toast there was stuff all over the floor.

We cheered as the cast came out for bows. Anna headed directly for us when she was done. Thank God, Buddha and Allah she was fully dressed. "So, Blaine, what did you think? Awesome, right?"

"Yeah," I said looking at Kurt. "It was totally awesome."

"You two going to breakfast with the cast? I'll keep Eric away from you," Anna added.

"Not this time, Stacey," Kurt said. "I'm ready to go home."

"I can give you a ride, Blaine," she offered, "I know you like pancakes."

"Nope," I said firmly. "I'm staying with Kurt."

She stuck her tongue out at us. "Fine be that way." She turned to Kurt. "I need a second with my cousin before you take off. Come here Blaine." I followed her a few feet away. "So...you and Kurt?"

"I hope so."

"Good luck. Have fun. Be safe." I could feel her slide something in my back pocket as she hugged me. "Just in case." She kissed my cheek and made a 'call me' gesture as she walked away.

I reached in and felt a condom. Actually three condoms.

"You okay?" Kurt asked as he approached.

"Fantastic," I reached for his hand. "Just Anna being Anna."

xoxoxoxoxo

Kurt was a gentleman and opened the car door for me when we got back to his house. He invited me in for a few minutes. "I really had a great time tonight," I said, trying to get up the courage to say what I really needed to.

"What was you're favorite part?" Kurt asked.

"I want to say dancing with you, but it was when you kissed me."

"You know what my favorite part of tonight was? When you kissed me back." He pressed his lips to mine, threading his hands in my hair, holding me against him. My hands hovered uselessly in the air for a moment until they settled on his hips. Kurt moaned into my mouth. "I've wanted to do this forever," he breathed.

"Me, too." I licked at the seam of his lips and gently pushed my tongue in when he opened his mouth. Kurt made a tiny whimper in the back of his throat as I probed inside. "We have to stop," I said even as I continued to kiss him. This was going too fast. We haven't been on a date. I still have to ask him to be my boyfriend.

Kurt was breathing heavily as he reached down to squeeze my ass. "We should never stop."

"Kurt, please. I don't want your dad coming in here and killing me cuz I'm molesting his son in the living room."

"How do you feel about molesting me in my room?" Kurt asked.

Kill me now. Seriously. Kill. Me. Now.

"Kurt," I protested weakly as he lead me to his room. "Kurt." This was too fast for me. He was leading me down the stairs to his bedroom. "Kurt, I'm serious." We were in his room with the door shut. "Kurt, listen to me - I'm not ready to have sex."

"I...oh...no. No no no," he stuttered. "Not sex. I wanted to be somewhere my dad won't walk in on you molesting me. Kissing me. I mean kissing me." He looked absolutely defeated as he sat down on his bed. "I won't stop you if you want to run away screaming," he added with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I have no idea what I'm doing."

"Hey," I said as I sat down next of him, "me either. I want you, Kurt. I really want you. Right now a very loud voice in my head is telling me to let you bend me over the nearest surface and have your wicked way with me. And I am having a difficult time trying to convince myself that it's not a good idea."

"Wait, you're a bottom?" Kurt sounded surprised.

"I think I'm more of a top, but I'm so turned on right now that if we tried that, I'm pretty sure I'd come before I get all the way inside of you."

Kurt eyes went wide and his mouth hung open.

I slapped my hand over my mouth. I wanted a hole to open up at my feet so I can jump in. "I can't believe I just said that. I am clearly too tired to be having this conversation. I'm gonna go and if you're still speaking to me tomorrow, I will call and try again. Goodnight, Kurt. I need to leave before I do or say something stupid. Stupider."

Kurt placed his hands on either side of my face and kissed me. Which turned into several kisses. Followed by several more. I was never leaving at the rate I was going.

"Kurt, I need to drive home. Even if you're not mad about what I said, I really don't want to get in a wreck because I'm tired." He was sucking on my neck. "Kuuuuurt. I need to go."

"No you don't. Stay here tonight." Kurt nibbled on my ear. "I promise not to molest you. Or to molest you. Whichever gets you to stay." He licked around the shell of my ear. "I'll make you pancakes in the morning."

"Kurt. I can't. What's your dad going to say?"

"Use protection." I leaned back so I could stare at him. "That's what he said when he caught me making out with Brittany. And I had a sign on my door saying we were having sex."

"You had sex with a girl?" I asked.

"No, I didn't have sex with a girl. Brittany thought I was no longer capital G gay because I was wearing flannel and a trucker hat. She said I was a good kisser but would be better with a dolphin. After my dad said use protection, she asked if he meant a burglar alarm."

"The only part of that I understood was the not having sex with a girl part."

"I'll introduce you to Brittany. It'll clear right up," Kurt said.

"Should I be jealous you're friends with your ex?" I teased.

"No, but seriously, you should stay here tonight. I don't want you driving home this late. Please? For me? I'll let you wear some of my pajamas. I'll even let you wear my favorite ones."

"Okay. You win. I'm really tired."

"Me, too. I want to wash off this makeup and get in bed. What do you want to sleep in?"

"Your arms," I said. The thought was dizzying.

"I mean sweats...boxers...naked?"

"Okay. I need a quick shower. Some pajama pants and a shirt would be fine. I'm not ready for naked but I'm definitely in favor of some all night cuddling. After a shower." An ice cold shower in which I jerk off, twice, so I can sleep next to Kurt and not actually molest him.

xoxoxoxoxo

Laying in bed with Kurt's back to my chest, everything was wonderful. Yes, I masturbated in the shower, not my proudest moment, but least I wasn't poking Kurt with my erection. Warm water and orgasm was much better for getting myself under control than a freezing cold shower. I also suspected Kurt did the same during his brief shower. Which was hot, but I tried not to think about it or I'd get hard.

I fell asleep breathing the scent of Kurt's shampoo, feeling the heat from his body, listening to his breathing.

Kurt was a restless sleeper. He had told me shortly after we met that he hadn't been sleeping well. I hadn't realized it was because of his dreams. He woke up about five, crying, because he was dreaming about Karofsky. He wouldn't give me any details, but I knew it had to be bad. I held him in my arms and stroked his hair until he fell asleep.

My internal clock woke me earlier than Kurt. We were facing each other, tangled together. Kurt looks so much younger when he's asleep. I gently ran my fingers through his hair - when I was startled by a loud noise. A man, I assumed was Kurt's dad, stood at the foot of the bed staring at us. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I tried to scoot away from Kurt, but he gripped me tighter. "Kurt. I need to get up."

"Uh uh. Stay," he mumbled.

"I'll be back in a minute. Keep my spot warm."

"Mkay." Kurt flopped onto his stomach.

"Hi, I'm Blaine, you must be Mr. Hummel." I held my hand out for him to shake. He just stared at me and crossed his arms. Okay. Being charming wasn't going to work. "This isn't what it looks like."

"Really? It looked like you were sleeping with my kid." He was going to kill me.

"I mean, we weren't having sex," I tried again.

"I sure as hell hope not because Kurt's asleep. You use protection?"

I was tempted to ask if he meant a burglar alarm, instead I said, "No, we didn't need any. If you want to yell at me, can we go in the other room?"

"What do you mean you didn't need any?" Mr. Hummel sounded livid.

"We didn't have sex so we didn't need protection. Look, Kurt's exhausted. We went to see Rocky and got back here about three. He woke up from a nightmare about five and it took almost an hour for him to get back to sleep."

He kept his arms crossed and the stern expression on his face. "I assume by Rocky you mean Horror and not Yo Adrian?"

"Yeah."

He closed his eyes. Opening them slowly, he said, "I know the definition of sex is different than it was when I was in high school. So, again, did you have sex with my son?"

"No. We kissed. A little. Maybe a lot, but that's as far as it went. I know we're not ready for sex. It's only been four hours since I told him I like him and he spent two of them asleep."

"You pressuring him?"

"No. God, no. I love Kurt. I would never."

"OK," Mr. Hummel took a deep breath. "Is Kurt pressuring you?"

"What? No." I quickly jumped to defend Kurt. "Why would you think that?"

"I've seen him," Mr. Hummel paused, searching for the right words, "get a bit carried away with his crushes and not want to take 'no' for an answer. And there's condoms on the floor."

Beside the desk were the condoms Anna had given me. They must have fallen out of the pocket when I draped the jeans on the back of Kurt's chair. "My cousin gave those to me because she knew Kurt was giving me a ride back here. It was her way of saying she approves. We kept all our clothes on and our hands stayed on top of them. So no need for condoms. I'd really feel more comfortable discussing this with you after Kurt wakes up."

"I want to discus this now."

"But," I protested, "I don't know what we're discussing now. If I talk to Kurt and he says he isn't ready for anything other than kissing, we aren't going to talk about the same things we will if Kurt says he wants me to...well...do other things." I almost said if he wants me to blow him. Guh. That would have been bad. "Look, if you want to kick me out, I won't argue, but can I please leave a note for Kurt? I don't want him to think I panicked and snuck out while he was asleep."

"I'll let you leave a note that you're on the couch in the living room and you can get some more sleep. I'm not happy Kurt had you in his bed with out even telling me he has a guest. I can't believe he took a date to Rocky. Wait. What was he wearing?"

"He had on jeans, boots and a corset with a shirt underneath it. And it wasn't a date." I wondered what else Kurt had worn to Rocky. Ooooh. I would have to ask him. Suddenly going back to Rocky sounded like an excellent idea. He mentioned that he has a Riffraff costume. I bet he'd look hot in the gold alien one.

"OK, kid, let's get you set up on the couch."

I went to get a pillow off the bed when Kurt started moaning. In a bad way. A he's having a nightmare way. He started thrashing around, kicking the covers off, and crying 'Stop' in a miserable wail. I climbed up on the bed, trying to gently wake him.

"Kurt, wake up. It's Blaine. You're safe. Please wake up. Everything's okay. I... you...just wake up." I ran my fingers through his hair. "Come on sweet pea, wake up. I'm here, you're safe."

Kurt woke with a strangled gasp. I scooped him onto my lap. Rocking back and forth, I kept saying comforting things while stroking his back. "Its okay. It's just a bad dream. You're safe. I'm right here." He buried his face in my neck. A damp spot spread on the shoulder of my shirt, but I just kept up the gentle motion until he calmed down enough to look at me.

"Oh, sweet pea," I murmured.

After a few shaky breaths, Kurt looked at me. "Sweet pea? Really, Blaine?"

"Well, I don't think you'd like being called babe or baby. I'm not using something girly like princess. Cowboy? Stud? Nope. And you're very health conscious so cupcake and muffin don't work either. My first choice is regazzo, which is Italian for boyfriend. It also kind of means hottie. And you are definitely a hot mess at the moment, but well...I'll save hottie for later. I won't do it again if it bothers you, I just hate seeing you cry."

Kurt nuzzled into my neck. "You can call me sweet pea when we're alone. Regazzo's fine if other people are around," was his muffled reply. I tightened my grip on him and kissed his ear.

"Good. We've been together for four hours and I'd hate it if I screwed up already."

I felt the bed move, Mr. Hummel was sitting down next to me. Craaaap! I'd forgotten he was in the room. Kurt jumped in my arms.

"What's going on, kid? I come to see what you want for breakfast and you've got a boy in your bed."

"Dad, it's not what it looks like." Mr. Hummel glared at his son. "I mean, we weren't having sex."

"I may not know much about gay sex, but I'm pretty sure it involves you both being awake. If it doesn't, one of you is getting shot." Kurt managed a weak smile.

"I had a nightmare. It was. Bad. Very bad. I'm awake now. It's okay. I'll be fine. I just need some more sleep."

"You two dating?" Mr. Hummel asked.

"I...uh," Kurt stammered. Damn it! We haven't actually discussed it yet.

"Kurt Hummel." I tried to sound more confident than I felt. "Will you go out with me this Saturday?"

"Like a date?"

"Not like a date. An actual date. Where I make reservations someplace romantic and you spend an hour freaking out over what to wear so you call Mercedes for help. I show up with flowers for you and for your mom and your dad threatens me with bodily harm if I do anything out of line."

"Just flowers for me," Kurt said softly. My confusion must have shown because he added, "My mom died when I was little so just flowers for me."

And before I could stop and think I said, "Then I'll pick you up early and we'll take them by the cemetery." In the moment I waited for Kurt's response, I realized his mom could be buried far away or cremated or he may not be ready to share that part of his life with me. When tears leaked out of his eyes, I wanted to cry because I'd hurt him.

He hugged me tightly. "I would love to have you meet my mom before our date. I know she's going to adore you as much as I do." He kissed my cheek. If I weren't so sleepy, I'd be dancing on the furniture. I have a date with Kurt this Saturday!

"Yes, we are officially dating, Mr. Hummel." It was amazing to be able to say that. "Kurt, you gonna be okay if I go sleep on the couch for a while?" I asked.

"Stay." His voice was barely a whisper.

"I think your dad would prefer it if I'm on the couch," I said. Kurt tightened his grip. I just looked at him.

"Fine," he said after a long pause, "let's get up. We can watch a movie in the living room. Then you can keep an eye on us, Dad. Although I really don't know what you think we'll get up to, especially when I know you could come barging in at any moment."

"Whatever you want," I said. "I just can't promise I won't fall asleep so you need to pick a movie I've seen a million times." I yawned so hard I felt my jaw crack. "Coffee. If I'm even going to pretend to be awake, I need coffee."

"Hold on a minute," said Mr. Hummel, "you two can stay in here. But. The door stays open. Make sure nothing's going on I can't walk in on. We'll have a discussion about...stuff...this afternoon. All three of us. Don't make me regret this, Kurt."

"I won't. Thank you Dad." Kurt stretched out on the bed. Closing his eyes he added, "I'll make you pancakes when I wake up."

Mr. Hummel looked me straight in the eye and said, "Don't you make me regret this."

"Dad!"

"Fine fine. I'll see you kids in a couple of hours."

Shortly after he went back up stairs, my phone alerted me that I had a text message. I grabbed my phone, curious who would be texting me at this time on a Sunday.

"Whoisit?" mumbled Kurt.

"Anna. She wants to know how last night went. And I missed one last night from Wes and David. Same question."

Kurt opened his eyes wide. "Can I please answer them? Please?"

"Sure." Kurt grabbed his phone off the nightstand and typed for a moment. Switching to my phone, he smirked while rapidly replying.

"Smile Blaine!" He took my picture.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Telling Stacey you got in my pants and we slept together. I told Wes and David we got married."

My phone beeped with an incoming message. And another. And three more in very rapid succession.

Kurt started reading the replays. "Stacey says 'Good for you.' She'll also get you more condoms. David wants to know if it's even legal. Wes wants to make sure you're back from Canada in time for rehearsal. Thad says he doesn't care how much you love me, you are not to give me the set list for sectionals. And Jeff wants to know why the Warblers weren't invited."

"Wait. WHAT!" I yelled. It was taking my sleep deprived brain a while to process what Kurt was saying.

"Relax, Blaine. I'm sending a picture of the wedding to the Warblers and I sent Stacey a picture of you in my pajamas with the caption 'Kurt's pants.' It's funny."

"How did you get a wedding picture?" I wanted to know.

"There was a photographer on stage for he wedding scene. He took a picture with his cell and forwarded it to me."

My phone started beeping again. "Lets see," Kurt said as he started scrolling through the texts. "David says it looks legal to him and wants to meet me, officially, as your husband. Wes wants to make sure you aren't doing anything that will damage your voice. Bummer. I guess no blow jobs for me. From Thad - congratulations. Stacey thinks you suck in a bad way and Jeff and Nick want to know what sort of wedding gift you get gay teens who get married at Rocky."

I said the first thing that popped into my mind. "A rainbow dildo." I decided it was funny and I should play along. When Kurt was finished telling Jeff what wedding gift we wanted, I had him turn the phones off. Kurt kissed me before laying his head on my shoulder. "You do realize," I said, "one of them will probably buy me a rainbow dildo, wrap it in wedding paper and make a huge fuss when they give it to me."

Kurt giggled. "It's because they care. Have someone take pictures."

I have a date with Kurt Saturday and he's making pancakes when we get up. Slipping my arm around his waist, everything was right with the world. I just hope I feel as calm later on when I get to have the sex talk with my boyfriend's dad.


	2. Chapter 2

On the last episode of Glee-

Blaine lied and told Kurt he knew what sort of insanity everyone gets up to at the Rocky Horror Picture Show with a live cast when, actually, he had no clue. Plus the movie's confusing even without half the audience running around in their underwear. Blaine won the fake an orgasm contest and he got dragged on stage to be Betty who marries Ralph, played by Kurt. Blaine finally told Kurt he liked him and they kissed for real. Woohoo. Kurt sent a picture of the wedding scene at the show to some of the Warblers and now they're teasing Blaine about being married. Burt caught the boys in bed together, just sleeping, and he found the condoms Blaine's cousin Anna had given to him. Oops. So now Burt wants to have a talk with them about S. E. X. And that's what you missed on Glee.

**Chapter 2 **

"OK, Dad," said Kurt as the silence started to get uncomfortable. We were sitting around the breakfast table having homemade pancakes with fruit. I had been woken up with a kiss, a cup of coffee, and the promise of brunch. I was also informed that Mr. Hummel wanted to discuss some stuff - sex - with the two of us.

"Let me make this easy," Kurt continued. "I know I can't get pregnant and neither can Blaine. But we still need to use condoms every time. Yes, every time. Absolutely every single time. We need to go slow and use lube. And condoms! You'll probably shoot Blaine if he tries to hurt me and I know his cousin will be willing to threaten me if I hurt Blaine, especially we don't us condoms. We aren't ready to have sex yet, but if and when we are, we'll use condoms. Lots and lots of condoms." He paused. "Did I mention we'll use condoms?"

Mr. Hummel turned an interesting shade of green. "Don't get smart with me, Kurt."

"Actually," I said carefully, "he is being smart, if somewhat sarcastic. Teens don't always think they need to use condoms or birth control because sex-ed in most schools is a joke. And lots of parents are too embarrassed or uninformed to have a useful conversation."

"Are you a virgin?" Mr. Hummel said looking at Kurt.

"Dad!" Kurt sounded offended. "What kind of question is that?"

"It's the kind I expect an answer to. You dated Brittany. And you aren't the only gay or curious kid at your school even if you are the only one who's open about it."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Yes, I am. Happy?"

"Actually, yeah," said Mr. Hummel. "I'd hate to think you had sex with that daffy cheerleader to try and prove something."

Mr. Hummel turned to me. "And you?"

"I've never had sex. I'm not waiting for marriage or anything, but I want to be with someone special."

"So, here's the deal kids," Mr. Hummel said. "I got a lock for your door while you were sleeping. You will promise to let me know ahead of time if Blaine is spending the night. I don't want to hear anything. I definitely don't want to walk in on anything. I think we've already established this, but so we are crystal clear, you will use condoms. And you are not to sneak off someplace stupid. This town isn't very accepting of gays and I don't want you getting caught going at it in a car."

"Really?" Kurt eyes were huge.

"Kurt, I love you and I trust you. I want you to be happy. And if I had my choice, you'd wait until your thirty, but since you probably won't, I want you to be safe."

Kurt jumped up and went around the table to hug his dad. "I love you, too, Dad."

"I'd really prefer it if you give me a couple of days to get used to the idea before you go running downstairs and lock the door."

It was now a little after one and we were curled up on the couch in the living room watching Rocky on DVD. I was spooning Kurt and he was saying call back lines while the lips sang. The wedding party exited the church.

"You looked so much better in the dress," Kurt said.

I looked ridiculous as Betty, but I loved Kurt for saying it. Brad got down on one knee, singing "here's the ring to prove that-"

"I play poker. And win," finished Kurt. I wondered if Kurt would want to be proposed to. Or if he'd be the one to ask. He'd look adorable. Either way, I'm sure it'll be legal by the time we move to New York and I'll get to see all of Kurt's Broadway plays for super cheap or free because I'm his husband.

Brad and Janet decided to take a road trip and the Criminologist was blathering on about the weather. That was about where we had snuck back into the theater after I'd changed out of the dress. So, now I've seen the very beginning when I'm not doped up on cold medicine and I still don't get it.

"Why were they having a funeral right after a wedding?" I asked.

"I think it's Rocky's funeral. Frank, Riff and company were the workers in the church and were probably there to steal the body."

"You sure?" I asked. "They didn't show who was in the casket."

"It would make sense. The criminologist points Frankie out in the picture, so it's supposed to be him and not just the same actor because they're on a low budget. But if your looking for continuity, you should try watching The Twilight Saga."

He was kidding, right? "Yeah," I said sarcastically, "because Twilight's so well though out and logical,"

"Doesn't have to be," said Kurt. "It has Tyler Lautner running around without a shirt."

I made no move to get up and Time Warp, we were too cozy on the couch. Everything was warm and snuggly and we weren't even using a blanket. I noticed the call backs from Kurt coming further and further apart. Columbia stripped off Brad and Janet's outfits, leaving them in their underwear. She threw the clothes on the floor and said, "Ha! I've seen it."

"And I don't do laundry," Kurt added.

His breathing evened out. I was tempted to call Anna and tell her that I was right about this movie being boring and putting people to sleep. But that would involve moving off the couch to get my phone and I wasn't going anywhere. I must have dozed off for a while, because the next thing I knew, there was a knock at the door and an orgy in the pool.

Mr. Hummel answered it. "Hi," he said uncertainly to whoever it was.

"We needs some shopping help from our favorite gay," said a girl's voice.

"Kurt's asleep."

"I can wake him up with a kiss like sleeping beauty," said a second girl's voice, "because I am an expert kisser. I have a perfect record."

"Wait, Brittany-" Mr. Hummel protested.

I looked up to see two cheerleaders staring at us.

I glanced over at Burt, who mouthed, "Good luck," before leaving the room.

"Whoa!" said the Latina girl, here eyes widening and her mouth falling open. "Who are you?"

"I'm Blaine," I said at the same time as the blond said, "That's Kurt's wife."

Kurt shifted in my arms. "What's going on?" he mumbled. "Santana? Brittany? What are you doing here?"

"We want to take you shopping, but you appear to have your hands full of sexy boy. Anything you want to share? Cuz if he's bi, I wants me a piece of that." I could see her taking in the clothes I was wearing, a too small shirt and the too long McKinley High sweat pants. It had to be obvious that not only were we in pajamas in the afternoon, I was wearing Kurt's clothes.

"Kurt, I thought you broke up with me because you wanted to kiss boys?" The blonde must be Brittany. She was pretty, for a girl. I tried to picture Kurt making out with her, but I just couldn't.

"I do want to kiss boys," said Kurt. "Why do you think Blaine's a girl?"

"Blaine wore a dress when you got married," Brittany replied

"If I'd gotten married, I would have wanted you to be there," said Kurt, his voice fuzzy with sleep.

"I was there!" said Brittany with a childlike smile. "Blaine won the orgasm contest and her prize was getting to marry you. I would have entered if I had know you wanted to get married. You were a really good boyfriend, so you'll be a good husband. And that stripper was hot. I totally would've gone on stage and had an orgasm with her."

I could feel my cheeks turning red. "She's not a stripper, she's my cousin!"

"Your boy toy had sex on a stage with his stripper cousin?" Santana's eyebrows raised. "That's too kinky even for me."

"I did not have sex with my cousin," I said firmly. "And I am a boy. A very gay boy. Who doesn't have sex with my cousins."

"But she had her hand in your pants while you were coming," Brittany said.

Kurt buried his face in his hands. "Oh my Cheesus."

"What the actual fuck?" Santana demanded.

"We went to see Rocky Horror," Kurt said, moving his hands away from his face. "Blaine won the virgin sacrifice - fake and orgasm. Fake. His cousin was pretending to jerk him off, she didn't have her hands in his pants. So he played Betty and wore the wedding dress and I was Ralph. We were acting. We aren't married. And Blaine is a boy. He's my boyfriend."

"Are you sure?" asked Brittany turning to me. "I think I should stick my hand in your pants and check. And I need to make out with you so I'll know if your a good enough kisser for my favorite ex-boyfriend."

My face felt like it was on fire. I was going to actually die of embarrassment. "I am one hundred percent gay and I probably have to be completely drunk to enjoy kissing you. Sorry."

"That's OK. Lord Tubbington can get us some alcohol. He's twenty two in cat years."

I had a vivid image of a cat going in to a liquor store with an ID and a credit card and coming out dragging a plain brown bag with it's teeth.

"Just promise me you won't go on TV," Brittany said with sincerity. "If you do, you'll start singing to appliances and get divorced. Then Kurt will have to date a blond and Blaine will hook up with a fugly old guy who has no neck and scream at birds."

"Huh?" I was soooo confused. I need more sleep. Or I'm dreaming about two girls in cheerleading uniforms and one wants to make out with me and stick her hand in my pants. Actually, I think I'm having a nightmare that I'm in one of my brother Cooper's fantasies. "What TV show?"

"The one with the singing doctors. The nurse died last time, but she got better. Or maybe she's a ghost. And all the fast food commercials with Kurt's new girlfriend. You know." Brittany twirled a strand of hair around her finger.

No, I don't know. But Kurt looked like he did.

"For the love of Richard O'Brian." Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why why why were you watching Shock Treatment?" he demanded.

"I wrote in my diary about how you got married and my cat Charity read it and wanted to know if you lived happily ever after, so I decided to check. And you won't if you go on TV."

I mumbled, "I feel like I need shock treatment."

Kurt turned in my arms so he was facing me. "Shock Treatment is the kinda sorta sequel to Rocky Horror. It takes place in a TV studio where Ralph and Betty are divorced and work on the set. Brad and Janet are having marriage problems so they go on a game show and Janet wants to be the star of the morning program so she gets Brad committed...you know what? Never mind. It makes less sense than Rocky. We can watch it later."

"Why didn't you tell us you have a boyfriend?" asked Santana.

"We just started dating this morning. And you can't tell Rachel."

Santana glared at Kurt. "And why don't you want your annoying fag hag to know?"

Kurt sighed as he detangled himself from me and stood. "I met Blaine while spying on our competition for sectionals. He's a Dalton Academy Warbler."

Santana started laughing. "You finally decide to get your gay on and its with a spy?"

"I spied on them!"

I stood up to defend Kurt. Before I could open my mouth, Santana grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled so that our faces were about an inch apart. "Listen up short dark and preppy. I am not putting up with any spy shit like last year. If you are spying and I find out I will go all Lima Heights Adjacent on your ass. I don't fuck around with eggs. I will break a frying pan on your head. And if you play my boy Kurt, not only will I rip your dick off, I will tell Coach Sylvester and they will. Never. Find. Your mutilated remains. Clear?"

I gulped. I really wasn't. I get that she's threatening to kill me, but eggs? "Cr-crystal," I stammered. Santana let go.

"Okay, Satan." Kurt sounded irked. "Stop trying to scare him off. We don't have a set list and I already know what they're singing. He isn't Jessie St. Sucks.

"Who?" asked Brittany.

"The soulless robot from Vocal Adrenalin," said Santana

"What?" Brittany sounded as confused as I felt.

"He dated and broke up with Rachel right before regionals last year and he stole our set list and info," said Kurt.

"Huh?"

"Mr. Schue's son?" tried Santana.

The spy was the glee teacher's son? Nothing that anyone said about New Directions ever made any sense.

"Ohhhh, Jessie!" said Brittany. "That fucking dick? Blaine's not a fucking dick. Well, he probably is if he's a boy. Because Kurt likes fucking dicks. For sex. Not the bad kind, like Jessie."

Something Kurt said finally caught up with me. "You don't know what we're singing for sectionals." I knew I hadn't said anything. None of the Warblers would have said anything.

"Yes, I do." He sounded very confident. "I am James Bond. I am way too fabulous to go undercover, but I complete my mission. And I always get my man." Guh! I wanted Kurt to get me. Alone in his room with the door locked.

"What are they singing?" asked Santana.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Peacock, by Katy Perry," he deadpanned.

"I bet he wants to see your peacock," said Santana.

"Who says he hasn't," Kurt shot back.

"I want to see Blaine's," said Brittany, "so I'll know if he's a boy."

"Enough," Kurt shouted. "Brittany - Blaine's a boy. Blaine - Yes, I do know what you are singing. Santana - I'm not telling, so don't ask."

"Who told you?" I asked.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "No one. I figured it out."

"No way," I said.

"I'll bet you. If I'm wrong, I'll wear the Riffraff gold alien outfit next time we go see Rocky. If I'm right, you're wearing it.

"Prove it," I said. I desperately wanted to see him in the Riffraff costume. Now that I was his boyfriend, I would be able to stare at his ass all I wanted.

He grabbed me by the back of the neck and put his mouth right next to my ear, his voice barley above a whisper. "Soul Sister. And I bet your practicing Bills, Bills, Bills and Misery for a second song or if you can get past us to regionals." He pulled back looking smug.

"How?"

"You don't sing it right when it comes on the radio. You only sing your part and you breath in the wrong places because your arrangement is different. I do the same thing with songs I've preformed. "

"You win," I grudgingly admitted.

"Hooray!" Kurt gloated. "OK, ladies and boyfriend, we need to go Victoria's Secret now. Blaine needs some black satin panties to go with the outfit." He dragged me down stairs and threw some clothes at me. We got dressed in record time and went back up to the girls.

"See," said Brittany to Santana as were were being shooed out the door by Kurt, "We're going to get girl underwear. I knew Blaine wasn't a boy."

XOXOXOXOXO

It's been an interesting two weeks since I asked Kurt to be my boyfriend. Our first date, last Saturday, was magical. He looked amazing. I didn't do anything embarrassing. We took flowers to Kurt's mom. The food was fantastic. I was a perfect gentleman. Well, I groped his ass a bit while kissing him goodbye. Fine, I groped his ass a lot. He's gorgeous, don't judge me.

I'd also gotten to meet a few more of Kurt's friends. Finn was nice, if somewhat clueless. He'd asked if I was sure I was gay when I told him I like sports. Mercedes threatened to cut me if I hurt her boo. After Santana, she wasn't all that scary, but I know my boyfriend appreciated the gesture.

Kurt, using his Slythern cunning, had convinced me I still needed to wear the gold alien costume even though it's Tacky Horror. So instead of Riffraff, I'm dressed as Magenta. When I'd complained to Wes about wearing girl underwear, because the cut is weird, he'd oh so helpfully pointed out that Kurt could bat his big beautiful eyes at me and I'd agree to wear nothing but rainbow glitter and smile. Yeah, well, Wes can shove his gavel up his ass. Hammer end first.

Yes, you can tell my fellow Warblers love me because yesterday before rehearsal, I was given a present wrapped in wedding paper. Inside was - big surprise! - a glass dildo with a rainbow swirl design, I don't even know how many condoms, and three bottles of flavored lube. Jeff took dozens of pictures while everyone called out "helpful" suggestions of how to use the stuff. I was seriously considering kidnapping Kurt and moving to Timbuktu to escape the teasing. Or France. We should go to France. And we can sit in a cafe all day and I can listen to him speaking French with that sexy accent. Mmmmmm.

And now, I was sitting in the theater waiting for the show to start and playing games on my phone with the gloves in my lap. I'm sure my reagazo would have something to say about sacrificing fashion for entertainment. At least the gold top covered my crotch while I was sitting. My hair looked fantastic. Kurt had joined me in the shower so he could make sure I washed all of the "crap" out. I'm sure grinding against each other until we'd had spectacular orgasms hadn't helped my hair, but Best Shower Ever! A small amount of organic product to enhance the curls and a little white hair color for the streak, and I had my Magenta hair. I don't think I really look like her, even with the make-up, but at least it's obvious who I'm dressed up as.

Kurt said that he should bring his sai swords to threaten all the boys and girls who were going to be hitting one me. Protective Kurt is even sexier now that he's my boyfriend. I was daydreaming about BAMF Kurt defending me from Eric with his swords when a pair of hands covered my eyes. "Guess who?"

"Anna," I begged, "please tell me you have a shirt on." My cousin would be playing Rocky and she had wanted to do it topless. Kurt had told her that all the dancing would be uncomfortable with out any proper support.

"I'm wearing a swimsuit top." I sighed in relief. "Kurt wanted me to let you know he's supposed to stay back stage. And he's throwing an epic bitch fit about the wig," she said. "He seems awfully uptight for someone with a boyfriend. You should both be walking funny from from screwing each others brains out. Do you need me to get you more condoms?"

I rolled my eyes. "Nah, we've got at least three dozen," I said, estimating how many had come with the dildo. "But thanks." I tried to ignore the blush creeping over my cheeks when I realized what I'd implied to Anna.

She blinked at me. "Three dozen? Feeling ambitious?"

"It's not what it sounds like," I said. I wanted it to be what it sounded like. I desperately wanted it to be exactly what it sounded like. "Aren't you supposed to be back stage?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"Probably. But I'm ready. I should play Rocky every week. It took me less than five minuets to get ready and do my make-up." She had on gold glitter eyeliner, mascara, and pale pink lipstick. I was wearing more make-up than she was. "No one will care that I'm out here."

She fiddled with the rhinestone R on the bottom of her extremely short shorts. "You gonna be ok with me having sex with your boyfriend?" Anna asked, a teasing note in her voice. The guy who was supposed to play Janet was sick. She had called Kurt shortly after we got out of the shower and begged him to fill in. According to her, he was the only one who knew the part and would fit the regular Janet's costume. I'd only heard Kurt's half of the conversation, but I'm pretty sure Anna offered to preform a variety of sexual favors if he would agree to fill in for the preshow, too. When that didn't work, because naked girls - ew - I think she offered to talk me into providing the sexual favors.

"Seeing as we already got fake married and he made me watch Shock Treatment so I guess now we'er fake divorced...sure Kurt can fake seduce you. But please, stop offering him sex to get him to do you favors. I know how to box," I waggled a finger at her. "I'm ready to scare off anyone hitting on him, and that includes you."

Anna snorted. "You don't need to be the knight in shining gold alien costume. Your boyfriend is a ninja, dumbass. First time he came to Rocky, some guy grabbed his ass and Kurt did this weird Vulcan death grip on the guy's hand. The guy's turning white and making a horrible face while Kurt's calmly explaining that he knows he the best dressed boy the guy's ever seen in this hick cow town. But if he ever intends to whack off with his favorite hand again, he will keep it at least three feet from from the fabulousness that is Kurt Hummel." I laughed. I'm so lucky Kurt likes it when I grab his ass.

Music started playing really loudly and the audience began to wander in. The theater filled up quickly. Jack, the same MC as last time, walked on stage in a dress and a wig. He looked surprising good as a girl. "Welcome to the Rocky Horror Picture Show!" he yelled into the mike. "It's Tacky Horror! For any of you virgins who don't know what that means, girls are playing the boy's parts and boys playing the girl's parts. It's pretty much a fuck off show. And if you don't like it you can..."

"Fuck off!" the audience screamed.

"We're having a costume contest, so get your ass up here now if you want to enter. Attitude check!"

We shouted the correct responses until Jack announced that there was a special pre-show. The stage lights went out and three figures walked out onto the stage.

_Hey there sugar baby _

_Saw you twice at the pop show_

_You take just like glitter_

_Mixed with rock and roll_

_I like you a lot lot_

_Think you're really hot hot_

Kurt was wearing a dress. A black sleeveless vinyl dress with a scooped neck that was very short, showing off his legs, and the knee high boots with heels made him impossibly tall. He had on a choker, a headband, wig and make-up. And he was singing about how he likes boys.

Oh. My. God.

The other two boys were probably dressed identically to Kurt, but I wasn't looking at them except for when they started grinding up against Kurt. They were dancing, if you could call practically having an orgy on stage dancing. I was really glad Kurt and I had taken a shower together or I'd be embarrassing myself.

_Boys boys boys_

_We like boys in cars_

_Boys boys boys_

_Buy us drinks in bars_

_Boys boys boys_

_With hairspray and denim_

_Boys boys boys_

_We love them!_

_We love them!_

They finished the song with Kurt sandwiched between the two boys. He had one leg up and bent around the waist of the guy in front of him and he was leaned back into the boy behind him, who had his hands on Kurt's waist. Unf. Kurt was so flexible. I was extremely glad Mr. Hummel wasn't going to be home this weekend. I didn't think I'd be able to keep it down once we got to Kurt's room.

The applause was thunderous. Kurt gracefully untangled himself and curtsied. The three of them waved as they left the stage. Jack came back out and I couldn't hear a thing he said because Kurt ran down the aisle towards me. He sat on my lap and crossed his legs. "What'd you think?" he asked as he put one of his arms around my neck.

"I...uh," I was having trouble coming up with something to say other than 'Lets go to your house so we can fuck like rabbits.'

"I think you melted his brain," Anna suggested.

"That was more fun than a McKinley High sex riot," Kurt said, high fiving Anna.

A what!?

"Your not mad, are you?" Kurt asked, snuggling closer. "I know that was kind of provocative, but it wasn't really worse than some of our glee performances."

I couldn't imagine a glee performance being sexier than this. What would you have to do to cause a sex riot? Did they all sing naked or something? Mmmm. Kurt singing "I Touch Myself" by the Divinals, naked. And touching himself.

Anna's voice brought me out of the McKinley high auditorium where Kurt was putting on a private performance for me, singing Adam Lambert's Fever naked in a colored strobe light and back to the theater. "What the hell did you do to my cousin?" she asked Kurt. "I can always tell when he's thinking about you because his eyes glaze over. He's starting to look like a junkie."

"I do not look like a junkie!" I protested.

"Yes. You do," Anna said.

Hmm. Maybe I do. David had spent most of the last rehearsal telling me to pay attention. I wasn't my fault I kept wondering if Kurt would let me rub the flavored lube into his perfect skin and slowly lick it off.

"Oh my god, Blaine, your doing it again. I have to go and you need to get changed." Anna stood up and left in a huff.

"Seriously, though," Kurt said, "you're not mad, right? They really needed me to fill in."

"If we hadn't taken that shower together, you singing "Boys, Boys, Boys" would be the sexiest thing I have ever seen. As it is, it's a very close second. I may have to request an encore performance."

"I'll keep that in mind." He pulled me closer for an amazing kiss. "I gotta go get changed. Don't forget to come help me do the quick change. As soon as I get turned into a statue and run off, head backstage." He winked as he left.

I was lost in daydreams of Kurt. We weren't ready for sex sex, yet. But there was so much we could do. Like blow jobs. I should definitely give Kurt a blow job.

The audience cheered. Huh?

I looked up at the stage, blinking. Apparently, they were announcing the winners of the costume contest. At the rate I was going, I was going to miss the end of the movie again.

Jack went over the rules and then started announcing the cast members. They ran down the aisles to the stage as their names were called. The trannies all looked like punks. The Janet costume fit Kurt, but the skirt was so short on him. His legs looked good in those heels. The girl playing Riffraff was tiny. It was funny seeing how mismatched everyone seemed to their part. When everyone was on stage, the MC yelled, "and here's your Frank-N-Furter...Kristen!"

Music started and Frankie strutted out on stage.

_I just had sex_

_And it felt so good_

_I woman let me put my penis inside her_

_I just had sex_

_And I'll never go back_

_To the not having sex ways of the past_

She danced down the steps, kissing people on the forehead, and running her hands over everyone she could reach.

_We wanna thank you all_

_For letting us fuck you_

_She kept looking at her watch _

We yelled back_ "_Doesn't matter had sex_"_

_But I cried the whole time _

_"_Doesn't matter had sex"

_I think she mighta been a racist _

"Doesn't matter had sex"

_She put a bag on my head _

"Still counts"

_I just had sex_

_And my dreams came true_

_So if you've had sex in the last 30 minutes_

_Then you qualified to sing with me_

The audience sang along waving their arms in the air and several people pulled out lighters.

_I just had sex_

_And I'll never go back_

_To the not have sex ways of the past_

_It feels so great_

The song ended with cheering and stomping feet. Virgin sacrifices were next. Jack ran back on stage. "We're doing something different this time. Virgins, you are putting a condom on a banana using only your mouth. You bite, you loose. First to finish is the winner!" The bananas were strategically placed between cast members legs. Five virgins kneeled on the stage. Anna, two trannies, the guy playing Columbia and the girl playing Eddie were the cast members. As soon as Jack said go, Anna started faking a very loud orgasm. Everyone on stage cracked up and it had to be next to impossible to do that while laughing.

Anna's virgin was the winner and he was sent off stage to get into the dress.

Jack yelled,"I need some. Lips! Lips! Lips!" and they rolled the print.

The stripper was a guy this time. He was good looking, but nothing compared to my boyfriend. The audience yelled callback lines. The few I tried to yell were too soon, too late or completely wrong. No one seemed to care. Trixie stripped down to a thong and danced off stage as the wedding party entered. Anna snuck out from behind the stage and sat next to me. I grabbed the bubbles and we added to the hundreds floating in the air.

Kurt was amazing. How many times had he seen this movie? He'd gotten less than two hours notice that he was performing and he was more in sink with the movie than anyone else. Seriously. He had the blocking down. He wasn't glancing at the print like the girl playing Brad. Kurt was going to take over Broadway when he got there. I wished I could hear him singing over the soundtrack.

Brad proposed. The five trannies each had a board with one red glitter letter spelling JANET. They held these up every time they sang "Janet." The other side of the boards said O BRAD. Kurt looked at Brad with adoration on his face and I realized I'd seen that look before. It was the way Kurt looked at me, especially when he didn't think I was looking at him.

I sang along with "There's a Light" and Anna stood up to salute the flag on the top of the castle. The Time Warp with Anna wasn't nearly as much fun as fun as dancing it with Kurt. The look on his face when Frankie showed up mirrored Janet's perfectly. I did manage to successfully yell a few comments I remembered. Kurt had, apparently, been holding out on me because most of what Anna was a yelling was crude.

"I'm Brad Majors"

"Asshole," yelled the audience.

"and is my fiancé Janet Weiss,"

"Slut."

"No yet, give her time," yelled a boy near me.

"Hey I gave her time last week," shouted Anna. She leaned over and said quietly, "I gotta go."

Anna was great, too. Except when she got sort of chased down the aisle by Frankie, she paused to playfully grope the people sitting on the ends of the aisles. So of course she had to run her hand up my leg and try to stick it under my costume. I swear when I get picked up by the police for murder they will decide it was completely justified and let me go without so much as a slap on the wrist.

You would think Kurt done this a million times. I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

I grumbled through the bedroom scene. At least it wasn't with Eric. But was weird watching my boyfriend getting seduced by a girl pretending to be a boy who was pretending to be a different boy.

It was stranger when it was Kurt seducing Anna. Kurt towered of her in the tank. And his bra looked weird. I wondered why he didn't stuff it with something smoother. Janet was singing and trying to get Rocky to have sex with her by ripping off a piece of her slip to make him a bandage.

"Come on, Janet," I yelled. "Make him a three piece suit." I was glad Kurt had made me watch the movie a couple of times and taught me the timing of a few callbacks. Even if we started making out and I'd managed to miss the end of the movie every time.

Rocky was slowly giving in to Janet's advances. In the movie, Rocky grabbed Janet's breasts. On stage, they were both reaching into Kurt's bra and throwing handfuls of something at the audience. One hit me in the head and I grabbed it. Jelly beans. No wonder his bra looked lumpy. I squinted at it in the dark theater. Bertie Bott's Beans. Yuck. I really hoped no one tried to eat them. On screen, Janet and Rocky were in the tank having sex. On stage, Anna apparently thought it would be funny to bend Kurt over the side of the tank and pretend to fuck him from behind. It was the first time I'd seen him break character. He was laughing so hard I think his eyes were watering. They ducked down into the tank.

"The intruder is entering the building, master," announced Riffraff.

"Intrudes usually do," came the snarky reply.

Right before Janet and Rocky were discovered in the tank, someone yelled, "Mouseketeer roll call sound off now." The characters were all yelling each others' names.

Janet

Dr. Scott

Janet

Brad

Rocky

"Bullwinkle!" shouted Jack, popping up in the tank wearing a headband with antlers over his wig.

Kurt looked sexy running around in the panties, bra and ripped up slip getting chased by Frank. Of course, he looked good in anything. Or nothing. He looked really good in nothing.

Frank had Magenta freeze everyone's feet to the floor,

"You wont find Earth people quite the easy option you like. This sonic transducer it is, I suppose, some kind of audio, vibratory, physio-molecular transport device," said Dr. Scott.

"You mean, it's a vibrator," shouted someone behind me.

Yes it something we have been working on ourselves for quite some time.

"A working vibrator."

But it seems our friend here, has gone and perfected it.

"A perfect vibrator."

A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter.

"A broken vibrator."

And the projecting it, through space and who knows, perhaps even time, itself.

"Dr Who's vibrator."

Magenta turned everyone into statues. "This party's awesome," a girl near me yelled. "Everyone's either plastered or stoned." Ducking down, I ran to the back.

I had to blink a few times to adjust to the brighter light. Kurt was bent over rolling a fishnet onto his leg.

He was trying to kill me. My brain was going to liquefy and leak out my ears.

My super sexy boyfriend had his black satan clad ass in my face while I attached his garters to the tops of the fishnets. He was frantically putting on white face followed by green eyes shadow and a green line around the edge of the white makeup. "Corset," he said. I snapped him in as fast as I could. He put on his gloves, stepped into his shoes and grabbed his boa. I didn't want to mess up his makeup so I gave him a quick kiss on the back of his shoulder.

"Oops." I completely forgot I had on lipstick.

"Blaine," said Kurt, sounding panicked, "oops, what?"

"You have a lipstick kiss on your shoulder."

He shrugged. "I'll have a bunch of lipstick on me by the end of the show. Orgy in the pool." He spun around and I grabbed his hips.

"You look sexy," I breathed. "Knock 'em dead."

Kurt snorted. "Almost everyone dies in this movie."

I ran back to my seat just in time to see Columbia, Brad, Janet and Rocky, walk onto the stage. The floor show didn't look that different from a regular show because everyone was in lingerie. Except now I think I have a thing for sexy boys in women's underwear. The black satin showed off the outline of his cock beautifully. Kurt pretend swam over to me and we kissed till he needed to get back on stage. I was determined to pay attention to the end of the movie. Riffraff shot Columbia and Frank. He kept shooting Rocky, but it didn't seem to be hurting him. Rocky fell in the pool and...drowned? He was just swimming in the pool during the orgy. Brad, Janet and Dr. Scott fled the castle and were crawling around in the dirt while the castle took off like an exceedingly low budget special effect. Brad half sat up and sang.

_I've done a lot _

"Of drugs," someone yelled.

_God knows I've tried_

"Drugs"

_To find the truth_

"About drugs"

_I've even lied_

"For drugs"

_And all I know_

"Is drugs"

_Is down inside I'm bleeding_

"Then use a tampon, stupid!"

Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! I wanted brain bleach except Kurt was singing or something. He crawled around on the stage with my lipstick kisses covering his neck and shoulders. They should rename this the "look at Kurt's ass show." A girl in front of me stood up as the movie started spinning. She moved his arms to make it look like she was rotating the the scene. Which turned into a globe. The criminologist stopped it and she yelled, "I'll stop the world and melt with you," as the scene dissolved. The criminologist was trying to tie up the movie, I think, by talking about humans being like insects.

"What's this movie lack?" shouted Kurt, from off stage, as the speech winded down.

"Meaning," finished the criminologist.

"One more time for the virgins," he shouted

"And meaning."

This movie lacks something, alright. Like a plot, common sense, and continuity.

Kurt came running down from the stage as soon as he'd finished bows with the cast. He was still wearing the corset, fishnets and black satin panties. God, he looked hot. I needed to figure out how to get him to keep that on till we got to his place with out sounding like a sex crazed maniac.

"I want to try something tonight," he said, leaning over so he could whisper in my ear. "I want to blow you."

Too late.

I just turned into a sex crazed maniac and my dick throbbed painfully. "Sure," I squeaked.

Anna wandered over. "Janet and Magenta aren't a couple," she said, waggling her finger.

"They want me to be Riffraff for two shows next month," Kurt replied.

"That's okay, then," said Anna. "Magenta's fucking brother." She smirked at me. "Or is he fucking her?"

Wait. "Riffraff is Magenta's brother?" I asked. "And they're having sex."

"Yes" said Anna.

Where do they keep getting all this information from because it sure as hell isn't in the movie. Whatever. Even now that I've finally seen the end, I still don't get it. But if going to Rocky involves Kurt wearing a bunch of sexy costumes, I think I can learn to love it.

The End

Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it!

I am now going to be posting on AO3 and Scarves and Coffee under the same name - Petalene. It is easier to post there, AO3 lets you download stories to your , and they have friendlier terms of service. The stories I have here will stay here, but new stuff will be going to the other two places.

If anyone is curious or cares-Richard O'Brian wrote Rocky Horror and played Riffraff in the movie. Shock Treatment is the sorta kinda sequel to Rocky Horror. It doesn't continue from Rocky, but does have a lot of the same cast and several of the same characters. It isn't nearly as popular as Rocky, but I have seen it with a live cast and I've performed it. Brittany's description is accurate (although she does make a reference to Columbia being shot in Rocky), but it isn't very precise. It would be like her describing Rocky as "It's that movie where they get engaged at the funeral and crash the tranny convention because they wanted to go to the dinner party in their underwear. Then the maid, who's totally doing her brother, turns everyone into status so they'll go swimming. And they were going to make that blond guy into a man but he started wearing girl underwear so I guess it didn't work." It's mostly correct, but it really doesn't cover the scope of the thing. The movie is as weird as Rocky, if not weirder, but I love the songs-except the one Janet's dad sings.


End file.
